The ramblings of Kapil Dev

Addicted

I feel like I don’t wanna go home, 

To my old empty bed and a house that’s so cold. 

So i trod along with my face looking down

Cuz i don’t want no-one to see these tears of a clown. 

I don’t know why I ever let it get this far, 

I should just end it now and jump in front a moving car.

But whether i’m delusional or maybe just a coward, 

I’ll keep hoping u’ll come back before my closing hour

Never really felt like a fool in love, 

Always been the one to do the breaking up, 

And even though ur not my girl its kool, 

‘Cept when u cut me off u knocked my whole head loose. 

I used be the manager of my own game, 

Tried to be the pilot of my own stupid airplane, 

And I’m wondering when u became the master of my circus,

Cuz u know I would never give that to u on purpose.

Trying to figure out why i depend on you, 

Cant just be about the little things you do

We don’t make love. Its against ur religion.  

Cant drink or smoke cuz u say it’s sicknin’.

And all the other things u don’t want me to do, 

Is killing all the habits that distract me from you,

And when you’re all that’s left and you become an addiction,

You cut me loose….And watch me drift into oblivion. 

Lost, I guess

You know, let me apologize in advance for some of the shit that’s gonna go down on this post. This post will contain expletives. If you do not wish to see any, then don’t read past this point. 

I am one angry motherfucker. And this isn’t even a healthy anger. You know, anger directed at anything in particular? naa. This shit is fucking uni-directional. I mean, its anger at a situation…..its just spilling over into everything else. And y everything I mean EVERY THING. I’m pissed at my mom (biological) for the shit she put me through when i was younger. I’m pissed at my father for never being there for me until it was way too fucking late for me to recover. I’m pissed at my little brother Glenroy for always being the ‘cool’ one, the athletic one, the one who everyone wanted to be around. 

I’m pissed at myself…..for so many fucking things I cant even begin to count. Shit…. I think this is the most truthful and spontaneous thing I’ve ever written. but even i all this truth…I know I’m lying to myself. I’m not really angry, u know? Its more like this anger is a front for what i really feel. I’m scared. I’m really and honestly scared of whats going to happen to me from here on. I don’t have an anchor anymore. The one person who was with me through thick and thin…..whether we were together or not….. The one person above everyone else that I would trust with my life……just told me that they’re cutting me off. 

What am I supposed to do now? Who will I talk to about the stuff i cant tell anyone else? When I’m feeling lonely and crying my eyes out who is going to tell me that i’ll be fine….that someone loves me and its ok? I don’t think she ever really understood what our relationship was about. She was always the strong one. And this has absolutely nothing to do with her being my gf or whatever. Not talking about romance right now. But she was quite literally the ying to my yang. And I’m afraid I don’t know what comes after this. I honestly don’t know what to do with my life anymore. 

This was never supposed to become so personal, actually. I just wanted to rage against some stuff and post, but…I guess the truth needed to be set free. I’m not angry anymore. I’m just lonely. I’m just cold. I’m…..lost, i guess. 

-Kapil Dev

-Necrodevz

Resolve……

Like almost everyone, I too have made various New Year Resolutions with the express purpose of making major changes to my life in hopes of making myself a better person. Also like many people, after a couple months those resolutions fall to pieces and I end up doing the very things I said I wouldn’t do. But that’s not really a big deal. I don’t ever making any resolutions that would cause total and complete change in any area of my life….well, at least not for the new year. 

This year, like most years, in reflection I realize that there were a great many things that I could have done differently…..situations I could have handled more delicately…..risks I should have never taken…. and definitely money that I shouldn’t have spent so frivolously. But it has been said many times that hindsight has 20/20 vision and never is that proven more than when we are starting a new year and we remember all the mistakes we made in the previous one. It is this reflection which drives one to create resolutions in order to reduce the chances of us repeating the same mistakes over and over again. 

Some of us decide to give up our vices: gambling, drinking, drugs….. Others take a more subtle approach by resolving to treat persons better, settling down…. There are as many resolutions as there are people who make them, for while resolutions may be similar, they are all different. They are as unique as the people that make them. Each resolution is tailor-made by each person for themselves. 

This year, I have one resolution. One thing that I think will fully influence how I see the world, how I react t it, and consequently what opportunities or sanctions I will have to experience. My resolution is simple: I will take it one day at a time. This is not as simple as it sound. I don’t mean that I will completely throw out any form of future planning and live in the moment, no! What I mean is that I will not allow tomorrow’s problems to overshadow today. I will not be stressed out my tuition fee which needs to be paid in 4 weeks…..I will not be overwhelmed by the sheer volume of bills that need to be paid next week…. I wont even worry about the rent that’s due at the end of this week. What I will do is meet up with some friends later, have a couple laughs, drink a couple shots of rum, generally just enjoy myself, then go home to sleep. Tomorrow is a different day, a different time, a different section of my life. 

That’s my resolution for this year. Just one resolution with the potential to provide me with less stress and more happiness in my life. 

-Kapil Dev

-Necrodevz

Divergence……

One year. One full year!! I honestly don’t know how you managed to survive all the madness, mood swings, ignorance and overall bum-ness (yes, I know its not a real word. Thank you…) that I constantly throw ur way. Its been a marvelous time, full of smiles and laughter, but I think that it’s the tearful times that brought us closer; the dark secrets that we keep for each other that forged a bond between us.

I don’t think this is the end of our journey. The best of us (not just you and me) are still to come. Don’t let this separation be a stumbling block that will destroy our love, but let us believe that this is a trial that, in the end, will only serve to be a source of strength to us. A testament of our love for each other. And while our paths may separate for a while, if God wills it, our destinies will converge in a manner that will leave us wondering why we were ever apart.

This is a bit long-winded now, but let me just remind you that if there was ever one love of anyone’s life, you would be mine. I love you, cara mia.

Conflicted

Loving you’s a tricky business, my mind gets split two ways:

I want to be with you until the end of all my days..

I wear your labeling with pride and swear you are all mine…

But somewhere, somehow, deep inside, my fears approach sublime.

No reason exists for my distrust but my own misguided mind…

For someone, somewhere broke my trust and I fear you’ll repeat the crime.

Your kisses seem a bit too sweet,  your love a bit too real….

But when you withhold both from me I gain a brand new fear:

I fear the demons of the night that whisper in my ear, 

Asking where you’d rather be since you refuse to be here..

I tell them that you’re busy, as busy as can be, 

But my words are drowned out by the tales they spin to me.

They tell me of the guy next door that doesn’t want for cash,

Or maybe someone new at work who measures ‘swag’ in mass.

Someone with a bigger dick or much better in bed…..

The things things that I imagine start to fill my heart with dread. 

I believe you on some levels when you tell me of your love, 

But then I wonder if i’m the only one you’re thinking of

When it’s late and you’re in bed and wishing someone’s there with you, 

Is it me you’re thinking of? Or is there someone else with you?

I think about this way to hard to even guess the truth, 

But all these worries disappear whenever I hold you.

I look into your eyes and it becomes a brighter day;

I swear that I can feel my worries melting all away…

Maybe the feelings that i have are natural in some way, 

I’m sure you have your own doubts that affect you like the plague,

And even though I’m conflicted and sometimes appear confused, 

I’d rather cut my arm off than to walk away from you.

Been a while…….

Jeez!! it’s been a while! Nine months…. I’ve decided that I need to have some sort of way to express myself. Keeping all this shit inside is annoying me. It’s affecting my work, it’s affecting my relationship with my gf, its….but you dont wanna hear that. I wonder how many people still check this periodically? I doubt many do, :). 

But yeah, look forward to more stuff from me. It might not be as frequent as I’d like, but I hope it’ll be fun. Also, I think the name of this blog needs to be changed. i’ll be brainstorming that, and also getting some posts up. 

-Dev

Life, and other annoying things.

So it’s been a while since i had any occasion to come on here. Been so busy doing nothing that I was too bored to find anything to do. *re-reads sentence* Um….. wtf? Oh, well. 

So what has happened in my life? My now ex-girlfriend lost my baby once and had an abortion the second time, I got admitted to the hospital, got engaged, cancelled the engagement, finally got the girl I’ve been in love with for 6 years, finally made some friends and survived the start of a new year. 

Good so far, huh? Well, I hope this year is gonna be better for me and to all those people who fanned me cause I used to write some stuff, don’t worry, I’ll soon be depressed enough to write epistles. lol. 

Till next time,

-Devz